One Neon Sign, Fully Funded
Mohawk turned 20 and got a new neon sign courtesy of a facade grant, while Red River's leaders begged City Hall to stop the closures. The district now has excellent lighting for its own predicament.
5 min read
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Red River
Browse Old Austin Grouch posts about red river, Austin nostalgia, and the city habits locals still argue about.
Use this topic hub to explore satire, memories, and cultural commentary about red river in Austin, Texas.
9 posts · Newest first
Odin Would Have Ordered the Thigh
Valhalla closes October 26 after 17 years because a building sale woke up a lease termination clause, and a fried-chicken spot is reportedly next. I read Norse mythology so you don't have to.
5 min read
All Ages, Cash Only, Zoned Commercial
The Marlow closed on Red River after three years, Valhalla is on its way out, Empire is halted, and the block is up for sale. I went down to see who's headlining now.
5 min read
Decommissioning Order for One Chrome Hand Clicker, Serial Number Unknown
Thirty stakeholders sold out and Penske Media now owns all of SXSW. The Ruin Counter has nothing left to count, so I'm retiring it with full honors and one last click.
5 min read
Cash Ledger, Red River Street, Calendar Year 1999 (Incomplete, Damp)
I found a 1999 notebook logging every Red River cover charge I paid, so I audited it line by line. Total spent was under two hundred bucks, and the return on investment is still coming in.
6 min read
Eleven Lanyards and the Block They Ate
The kitchen drawer jammed on a fistful of old SXSW lanyards, so I ran an off-season audit: eleven Marches, one downtown block, and an itemized list of what each festival carried off and never returned.
6 min read
Door Guy at 711 Red River Never Needed an App
Beerland let you pay five bucks at the door, drink $2.50 PBRs until the band quit, and stand close enough to read the setlist Sharpied on the drummer's forearm; the address now houses a "music-forward experiential lounge" that texts you a QR code, charges $14 for a can of the same beer, and employs a "guest experience coordinator" who once asked if the guitar player could turn down so the brand activation wouldn't get drowned out.
6 min read
Sixth and Red River Wristband Scan, 11:47 p.m.
The bouncer needed three separate scans before he'd let me into the club where I once saw Alejandro Escovedo play for free on a Tuesday; this year the same corner charged $65 at the door, handed out sponsor-branded koozies, and piped in a playlist that sounded like it was generated by a committee in Cupertino.
6 min read
Scan Here for the Afterparty That Replaced the Afterparty
The doorman at the old Bourbon Rocks on 6th and Red River now requires you to scan a QR code before he'll even look at your ID; what follows is a 90-second "experience" video from a crypto exchange that went bankrupt in 2024, all so you can access a band playing to a room that smells like sponsored energy drinks and broken dreams.
6 min read